Dear H. P.,

How can I get Donald Trump out of my mind? He seems to be everywhere and I’m totally bummed out all the time. I think I’m going to have PTSD.


Orange Everywhere

Dearest Orange,

Speak not the name of this ill-formed, belligerent beast from the foul Netherlands of Hades. He is the scourge of the Earth, the demon whose lies invade the mind and attack the truth. For he is Cthulhu, poorly reborn in the form of a human.

Take this advice: Acquire the purest sand and have it blessed by a holy person. Spread the sand in an unbroken line around your sacred home. Speak an incantation besmirching this malodorous foe and order the deceitful demon to never cross the sacred line. Afterwards you must proclaim your home to be ever free of this foul ghoul.

The name of this hideous troll must not be uttered within this sacred space. Remove any pictures or written word of the despicable hobgoblin. Blockade any portals, physical and mental, with which it could use to travel. Oranges, carrots, and persimmons must be removed and only eaten outside the circle lest their color alone drag you into the claustrophobic dungeons of despair. Your mind must become the moat around your castle, replete with vicious and loyal monsters at your bidding, strong enough to vanquish any thought that arises of this festering demon.

With these steps, your mind will become calm and with it, your home. Let this sacred space steel your soul against the deceitful ogre and prepare you each day to leave your home refreshed again, to fight anew this vile and putrid imp.

-H.P. Lovecraft

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